Successful co-parenting post-divorce takes lots of effort, patience, and communication. Both of you need to stay united in your motivation to support your children’s best interests, despite personal conflicts. 

Our MHHP Law family law solicitor, Tayo Taylor, has represented thousands of families caught up in child arrangements disputes, and attests to co-parenting being one of the biggest challenges for parents after separation. Below, you can read her best tips on how to co-parent effectively and turn lengthy arguments into agreements:

Create A Parenting Plan

A strong co-parenting relationship is rarely something you can just develop without proper planning. You will need to collaborate with your partner and create a parenting plan that sets clear boundaries and expectations, and establishes the responsibilities each of you will have.

The essentials of a co-parenting plan are:

• Where children will live
• When and how the time is spent with each parent, as well as extended family (e.g. grandparents)
• Arrangements for holidays/special events
• Holidays abroad (e.g. who holds the passport)
• How each parent will help financially support the children
• Who is the emergency contact for school/your kids’ GP 
• How communication will be done 
• How to introduce new partners into the children’s life

Having clear sets of rules and agreements helps provide a sense of structure for your children, who are likely in need of stability in these chaotic times.

Communicate!

In order to successfully transition to an effective co-parenting relationship, great communication should be your number one priority. You will need to discuss all the important decisions regarding your children’s future without letting personal conflicts get in the way.

You need to stay respectful of each other, especially when the kids are present. Many studies show that parents who often engage in poor or even aggressive communication can greatly affect children’s mental health, and this can especially happen after a difficult divorce.

Always remember to:

• Communicate respectfully about your children’s concerns
• Be willing to compromise when taking decisions together
• Never badmouth your ex in front of your child – it can be painful and confusing for them to hear horrible things about someone they love

Effective communication is not easy to achieve, and don’t feel like you’ve failed if it doesn’t happen overnight.

Don’t Use Your Children As Messengers

A common mistake parents make, especially when communication is difficult, is using their children as messengers, or even mediators between them. However, when you rely on your children to fix communication issues and send messages between partners, you are creating additional distress on them which can damage their relationship with both parents.

Ultimately, you want your children to see you two engage in healthy communication with one another, to make the transition easier without extra stress.

Keep Your Personal Feelings Separate

Your personal relationship to your ex should be kept separate from your relationship as co-parents. At first, it might seem impossible, especially if you have a strained relationship with each other and you feel like you want them out of your life. However, for the sake of your kids, it is important to set these feelings aside to create a stable co-parenting dynamic. 

Always remember that your number one priority as co-parents is your children’s well-being, and not your individual feelings towards each other.

This won’t apply in cases of separation due to serious issues such as domestic violence and substance abuse – if you are struggling to navigate potentially dangerous situations, get in touch with a family lawyer that can provide advice on the best steps forward.

Be Consistent

When you set down rules and boundaries, you need to make sure you can stick to them. Children require consistency, and need you to show up for them, so don’t take on any engagements if you are not willing to follow up on them.

Be Flexible

Life can be unpredictable, and you are bound to encounter unexpected circumstances every once in a while. When this happens, both parents should be willing to accommodate each other’s schedules to reduce conflict. Always remember – important dates like holidays and birthdays are not just special to you, but to your kids and their other parent, too, making a little compromise not just ideal but necessary.

While lots of parents would like an arrangement that splits everything into an exact 50/50, that won’t always be possible. You should keep in mind what’s best for the children – for example, if your kids and your ex had a pre-planned activity every Sunday, it would be best to keep that on the table even if it means giving your ex extra time with the kids.

Involve Kids In Day-To-Day Decisions

One of the main struggles kids have during divorce is the feeling that they no longer have control over their lives.

You can help give them a sense of control by asking their input on daytime activities, or what they would like to have for dinner. Even small decisions will help your kids feel like their autonomy is still valued.

Never Ask Your Kids To Choose

Asking kids to pick a side during conflicts can damage their relationship with both parents. When it comes to various commitments and plans, it’s important to take your kids’ wishes into consideration, but don’t make them choose between you two. 

Keep Expectations Realistic

Another big struggle when co-parenting is giving up control when the kids are in your ex’s care. It’s important to remember that, while you can agree on the core basics, you two will have different parenting styles, and your ex won’t always follow the same rules as you. They might allow a different bedtime or screen time than you – and that is perfectly fine.

As long as you both play an active role in the children’s lives, the small details shouldn’t lead to major co-parenting conflicts.

Don’t Be Scared To Ask For Support 

Getting through a divorce is a real challenge for many, especially if kids are involved. Not only do you need to deal with the emotional distress of a relationship breakdown, but you also need to make sure you don’t place additional mental strain on your kids. 

If you find it difficult to keep things cordial between you and your ex or co-parent effectively, a family law solicitor can help mediate conflicts, clarify agreements, and even formalise your parenting plan, without the stress of going to court. 

If you want legal advice on any matters relating to divorce, separation, children or financial remedies, contact Tayo Taylor at tayo.taylor@mhhplaw.com or on 020 3667 4783.